friday peachtree tv movies

I know that it's Friday and no one is really watching Peachtree TV. I get that. But tonight's movie is "Eight Legged Freaks".

1. How do they spend all the money they spend on movies on a movie like Eight Legged Freaks?

2. Is this really David Arquette and Scarlet Johansson?

I'm just sayin'.

the "this" is over

I've completely started to revamp just about everything and am totally moving forward each day.

Right now, instead of going into that, I have to take a moment to say that it makes my heart sing when I remember that it's Saturday night and NPR's playing jazz. I just got off work, but there's a fire inside that wants to move. Unfortunately, everyone's at home or too tired--and then I'm tired too. But thank goodness, Saturday night jazz is on. I love the DJ and he has such great taste. He's also got an interesting personality, that's quite entertaining.

I'm happy to retreat, like a tired and overworked single girl should, with cute pjs, a dog, and quick single-people food like Buitoni (it *is* delicious though).

Last week was great and so many things in this universe are coming together. Everything within is starting to slowly, relax and just plain not give a fcuk. Pretty soon I'll be ready to conquer.

the "doing"

I never really sit and watch the Oscars. Usually, I get excited about the gowns and plan on watching the show and then end up working and being too tired to remember to turn it on; or end up just watching the end to see who gets best picture. This year, I sat through the whole thing without multitasking or switching back and forth from another show, or deciding to work instead.

And even though I enjoyed the show, and kept thinking "Gosh, I really must have been working and sleeping a lot this year to have missed so many movies that I wanted to see", it's almost one in the morning and I have so much f'n work to do that I wish I had just skipped it all together.

My weekend has consisted of working on my full-time job, working at my part-time job, going to a fantastic birthday party, working at my part-time job again, thinking and stressing out about my full-time job, the Oscars, and now this.

I don't even want to think about the week ahead. I honestly didn't think that it would ever end up like this--me dreading the week. The entire week. Not just Monday, but the whole freaking week. I'm not that person.

Old me: I wake up, the sun is shining. I have people that love me and I'm working towards some goal(s).

Me now: I wake up, hit snooze eighty times. Think about my boss stressing me out. Drag myself out of bed; feel guilty for being unsatisfied with the way things are since..I have a job, and I work towards my passion for helping people every day. Get pissed that my jeans are tight and the five pounds I lost last month, I probably gained them all back in the past two weeks since almost our whole organization's well-being rests on my shoulders and I'm treated like an intern Blah blah blah blah. Awesome.

This has got to stop.

Right now, while I worry about the bills I have to pay or can't pay (eh hem, student loans) and the recent ex I was with for five years who's emotionally abusive immaturity can still pull the rug out from under me at times, I think about how Michelle Obama would be studying at 6 in the morning. Sure, I know I didn't go to an ivy league school, so maybe I didn't have to get up at six, but the ownership of time that successful people--successful women--have is just plain admirable...and brilliant.

Dad always said that everyone--smart or dumb, rich or poor--has the same amount of hours in a day; it's all in what we choose to do with them.

I'm 24. I want my skin to look as good as it does now for at least the next 10 years. I want to wake up in the morning feeling as if I have some control of how my day is going to go, and if not my day, then my evening and night when I'm not at work.

I want to dance again. Teach again. Write again. And create.

I know the solution isn't to sit here and look at the Oscars and be distantly envious of people who get to follow their passions and express themselves through art for a living. People who are paid to be inspired. People who are paid to look good. I know.

I guess the most painful part is that Gabby Sidibe, who's a couple years older than me, took a risk. It's so amazing what became of that risk, and totally inspiring. But here I am with all the tools and heart--usually knowing the general or focused direction of where I'm headed--with absolutely no where to go. With seemingly no real, place to turn. I want that chance. I want that risk, but I have no idea where it is or where I should go from here.

I'm tired of meetings about future meetings. I'm tired of people who don't just do. I know there's always going to be bureaucracy and the need for diplomacy--I get it. But I'm sick and tired of people who don't give a flying flip about realizing their full potential and really taking everything they do and touch to the next level.

If all I have at the end of the day is my health and my passion, I'll be damned if I let incompetent, hand-wringing, milquetoast and insecure sunshine vultures stand in the way of the things that give life and voice to my internal child.

And now back to work.

2.0

Today was not easy.

I've got the office all organized again after dealing with three events, the holiday season, the new year, three grantor audits and our regular annual audit.

Renewed spirit, better organization, implementing solutions for all the gaps..and then crash.

Yesterday I realized that I can not be happy in a position where I don't have the authority to make decisions (read: get things done) or work within a team that is able to work and get things done together.

I've lost 5lbs so far.